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(I couldn't help but throw in the "lesbian"-- it takes me back to that infamous scene in "Mean Girls"). The massive, giant, all-consuming "lesbian crush" was a 34-year-old graphic designer named Amber.*Amber had her sh*t together, and to 23-year-old me, that was the sexiest trait a person could possess.

I didn't want her to know I was on a hefty dose of medication to treat an escalating anxiety disorder.

I didn't want her to know I was sad because my best friend in the world had just passed away, and I felt like there were empty holes in me all the time, and I didn't know what to fill them with that wasn't booze or meaningless hookups or cheap validation.

I used to see Susan Sarandon in the elevator (She smiled at me once or twice).

Amber was the kind of put-together woman who had a membership to the Equinox in Greenwich Village, attended art galleries on the weekend and collected expensive coffee table books that she would "casually" scatter across her perfectly polished black lacquer coffee table.

I wanted to fall asleep in her pillowy lips and never wake up. I went from a wild over-sharer in fishnets to a meek little meerkat dressed as a dull emulation of an English royal.